Perfectly beating heart...

My mind is empty, yet so full, my head spins trying to find meaning to all this, what is the meaning, what is the point, who am I? And if I am that person am I truly living life. And if im not that person, than where am i? Life is a spiral sometimes, some days I feel calm and grounded, firm and steady. While other days I feel as a whirlwind, a dust devil racing around getting nowhere. Life, life can be and is crazy. I am who my choices have made me, a simple person, a confused person. A person who has so much to offer, a person who has nothing left. A person who loves and laughs, a person who cries silent tears. A person who feels guilt in a way that is indescribable, a way no one should feel. I am who I am because of my choices. My mind wanders living a different, simpler life, a life that is like in the fairy tales, everyone in the end is happy, everyone finds what they are looking for. A happy healthy life.

Is that what I am looking for? Have been searching for, for so many years now. I am looking, searching and trying so hard to find a way to live and be excepted for who I am. Do I wonder about the way people look at me, or for the judgments that are placed upon me. I say I don’t care, but do I, do I really care. Does it bother me more than I know, more than I have lead on to believe. I need to empty my already empty mind. What is it I am really expecting to get out of all this.

My heart hurts, it beats perfectly, it does its job the way it should, but yet I can actually feel hurt in my chest. Thump, thump, thump, thump, almost like pain, ease, pain, ease. Im thankful for the ease, im thankful for the pain. Tears flow from my eyes not knowing why they are there. My mind can’t explain it to me, it just happens, they come at really unexpected times, and cover my face with a sea of sadness.

Moving forward, moving past pains and hurts from long before, I work on them, I endure through them, I learn from them, I am who I am because of them. In a way im thankful, im thankful for my situations, the very things that haunt my soul. And yet my heart beats perfectly.